Context is Everything

I’ve been seriously struggling to understand people.

And the most frustrating part is, I haven’t been willing to take the time to uncover the key piece that unlocks our ability to understand each other.

Context.

I’ve been seeing this play out in business and personal relationships so much that I had to verbally process it tonight.

It’s been a discovery process, and every scenario has been unique; all with a common thread.

Context.

I’ve been in several scenarios where I (or the other party) takes offense, is bothered, reacts, deflects, etc. almost immediately after something is said or done.

This is almost always followed by a defense by myself or the other party, a period of back and forth in disagreement and/or tension, and then a parting of ways with a subtle yet somewhat sharp “to each their own”.

Some of us who are more Type-A are thinking “yeah, and what’s wrong with that?”

If you’ve read any business books, went to business college, or hang around anyone who has, then the general concept of negotiation and the “Black Swan” is probably familiar.

If not, here’s a short, simple crash course.

Good negotiation is getting to a place where two or more parties agree on an exchange of value. Sometimes one side wins more than others, and everyone has a different idea of which is better.

A Black Swan is a piece of critical information that IF known, would immediately and drastically alter the negotiation, often ending stalemates and endless conversations that lead nowhere.

It key context that when you know it, makes everything about the current situation make sense and helps you see the best path to resolution and success.

I had this happen at a particular team event not long ago where there was MASSIVE tension and interpersonal drama happening - so much so, I nearly walked out because my patience was pushed to the absolute max and nearly snapped.

After about 2 hours of various conversations, I discovered a black swan that made everything fall into place.

With this, the team leaders were able to give that individual the thing they most wanted (not ever mentioned explicitly) in order to save face and preserve the objective of the team.

And I’ll admit, I had to take back a lot of thoughts — and words said under my breath — because I initially reacted rather than understand and respond.

The point?

This happens daily.

When someone says something or does something that rubs us the wrong way, we typically (or at least I do - speaking for myself here) react accordingly to OUR perspective, understanding, and context of the situation.

This in turn, meets their perspective, understanding, and context which creates a reaction like fire and water.

What if instead, we took a beat to understand the context that the other person is living in and coming from?

What if we asked simple, calibrated questions with one objective: to understand?

I’ve been learning that when I simply seek to understand, usually the result is clarity and unity on the other side.

The hardest part is taking the time, making the effort, and putting aside my own DEEP desire to be understood in order to understand the other person as best as I possibly can.

That’s brutally hard and it’s embarrassing to admit that.

But I think it’s key to unlocking more potential in the relationships I have personally and professionally.

So I’m going to work on implementing a more active approach to understanding, knowing full well that it won’t be perfect, I’ll miss great opportunities, and I’ll forget here and there.

But I know there are details and stories that if I only knew a bit of, would bring that much more clarity to scenarios that I otherwise react to with a preconceived notion as to what’s wrong and what I would do differently.

It’s hard to type this because now I really have to apply this.

Here we go - time to grow!!